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Time English Language 2 Action

00:04

One of the most important lessons that I had to learn in my life

00:08

is that when it comes to our growth and development,

00:11

there is no substitute for a tough piece of feedback

00:14

from someone who cares about us.

00:17

And when we can make it safe enough for the people in our lives

00:20

to tell us those hard things,

00:21

it not only benefits us,

00:24

it can spark transformation in our workplaces

00:26

and in our families.

00:29

And I learned this lesson the way that I learned most things,

00:31

which is the hard way,

00:33

and it was when I got a tough piece of feedback

00:35

from my best friend at work, Christy.

00:38

So I met Christy years ago

00:41

when I left the only organization I had ever worked for

00:44

to start over at a new company,

00:47

and I was freaking out.

00:48

And Christy was this incredibly kind and welcoming person

00:54

who just really went out of her way to help me be successful.

00:58

And we became fast friends.

01:00

And then one day we got into an argument.

01:03

Not uncommon for us --

01:04

we’re both pretty stubborn and opinionated people --

01:07

and we resolved it, and I thought everything was fine.

01:12

She had a very different reaction,

01:14

and the next day she came in

01:15

and she gave me this feedback, and I'll never forget it.

01:18

She said,

01:19

"It just seemed like while we were arguing

01:24

that you needed me to feel stupid.”

01:28

And if you've ever had somebody make you feel that way,

01:30

you know it’s awful.

01:32

So here's my best friend at work,

01:35

somebody that I care about,

01:36

she's told me that I've hurt her,

01:38

and so of course, my immediate reaction

01:41

is I get very defensive.

01:42

So I remember I was like,

01:44

running through all of this in my head, right?

01:46

Like, "How could you say that?

01:48

That's completely unfair.

01:50

I would never think that about you."

01:52

And then I was just listing off all the reasons that she was wrong.

01:55

(Laughter)

01:59

Now, thankfully,

02:01

I didn't say any of that out loud.

02:03

And --

02:04

(Laughter)

02:06

All I could think to say in the moment was,

02:08

"Thank you for telling me."

02:10

And I meant it because she could have done so many other things, right?

02:13

She could have gossiped about me behind my back,

02:16

she could have gone to our boss and complained about me,

02:19

she could have done what I probably would have done,

02:22

which is just silently resent me and not said anything.

02:25

(Laughter)

02:26

But she had the courage to come and talk to me.

02:29

And the truth is, I've gotten this feedback before.

02:33

And the feedback is that when I'm not at my best,

02:36

I come across as arrogant,

02:38

condescending, self-righteous and a know-it-all --

02:42

which is a really nice combination

02:44

and a great way to make friends, if you're interested.

02:47

(Laughter)

02:50

It's the thing in my life I am most embarrassed about

02:53

and oftentimes ashamed of.

02:55

And so I'm telling this to Christy and I say,

02:57

“I know I do this, and I’m sorry.

02:59

I don't want to,

03:01

but I can't hear myself when I'm doing it.

03:03

Can you help me?"

03:05

And she says, "Sure, I'll just tell you when you're doing it."

03:09

Not like that, I meant, “Do you have a book I could read or like,

03:14

I don't know, like a training or something like that

03:16

that I could take, you know, to fix this?”

03:18

And she said, "Well, how about this?

03:20

I'll just say 'You're doing your thing.'"

03:24

Worth a shot.

03:25

So anytime we'd be talking and I would start a sentence with,

03:28

"Well, actually," or something like that,

03:31

she would just, "Hey, Chris, you're doing your thing."

03:34

And it was so helpful.

03:36

I needed the feedback.

03:38

I could start to hear it

03:39

and so I could start to improve on it.

03:41

[A] little embarrassed to find out how often I do it,

03:44

but I did start to get better,

03:48

and I noticed the transformation of my relationships almost immediately.

03:52

My wife would later tell me that this whole process,

03:55

it made it easier for her to talk to me,

03:57

and that allowed us to have conversations

03:59

that we hadn't been able to have up until that point.

04:02

So I'm growing,

04:03

my relationships are transforming.

04:06

And then it started to inspire other people to do the same thing.

04:10

And it started with Christy.

04:12

She came to me one day,

04:13

"What's my thing?"

04:14

(Laughter)

04:16

And I kind of think we all have a thing, right?

04:19

Like something that we do that we're not at our best,

04:21

gets in our way.

04:23

And so Christy's thing,

04:24

and I have her permission to share this,

04:26

is -- just be clear --

04:29

is that when she gets upset and she's not at her best,

04:31

she can go from zero to 100 [in] about two seconds,

04:34

and she'll say something she regrets.

04:36

OK, so she says,

04:38

“Yeah, that’s it.

04:40

And you're going to tell me when I'm doing it."

04:42

No, no.

04:44

(Laughter)

04:45

Absolutely not.

04:47

Are you serious?

04:48

"I've been doing it for you,

04:49

you have to do it for me.”

04:51

Which is fair.

04:52

So first time I had to tell her

04:55

I'm terrified.

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